Amoral In Montreal

This is not a tale about theft. We should expect no less from a society that glorifies deceit and amoral behaviour, where what-ever-the-cost profiteers are honoured over do-gooders and arrogant liars are rewarded while honest Johns are the laughing stock.

This is should be a testimonial outing those who falsely proclaim they are there to serve and/or protect, but in actuality make demands of others solely for their own benefit. It should be a lesson in expecting nothing less from the hordes of profiteers and legions self-serving liars.

The story begins on a sunny afternoon in the neglected city (could be any city, they’re all the same), where our honest John unwittingly leaves his wallet and all its contents at the local grocers. Our first nasty profiteer snatches the opportunity and the wallet, pays for their groceries with the pilfered credit card and slinks off to the nearby park to ditch the wallet less its valuables - for sure. Soon after, our do-gooder finds the discarded wallet and, having recently suffered a similar fate (quelle surprise), very kindly returns the wallet and its remaining contents to our very grateful, albeit poorer John.

Fortunate John, striving to be a do-righter, dutifully reports the theft to our second profiteer, the credit card company (no names needed, they’re all the same), who promptly and efficiently cancelled the ill begotten card to stop their potential losses. They promised all would be taken care of and they would assume any unauthorized charges on the stolen card. Pretending to care for their customer, Profiteer No. 2 suggested a report be made to the local constabulary, falsely giving the our victim John a faint hope for some justice

Persistent John did just that. Upon reporting the robbery to the tireless boys et girls in bleu, these arrogant (and once moustachioed) liars had the gall to inform him - with a chuckle to boot – “Oh, no, no, no, we don’t do anything when people are robbed”.

Down-but-not-beaten John thought the grocer might want to pursue this matter further, so he reported the unfortunate events that had transpired on their premises. The Manager of the third profiteer diligently faked interest and promised to review the surveillance tapes and return with the findings. Profiteer No. 3 saw no profits in keeping their word and was decidedly never heard from again.

With all the sad lessons learned that could be learned, beaten John tried to move on and not waste more time on this fruitless endeavour. This valiant effort was interrupted however by Profiteer No 2.’s subsequent attempt to recoup their meagre losses (cost of groceries charged by Profiteer No. 1) by stealthily charging them to victim John. Jilted John, mustering what remained of his shattered spirit, demanded their pilfering be stopped. They again promised they would but now demanded weary John to go and file a report with the bebadgioed authorities and return with the information they now all of a sudden so urgently must have.

Despondent John complacently trudged on to report the theft and was required to write out every minute detail of the crime on the thin-blue-lined report. Foolish John completed report and then, again with a slight glimmer of hope for some justice, even more foolishly inquired what they would do with it now? The arrogant overtly coddled and heavily armed liars responded - with that familiar chuckle – “Oh, no, no, no, we don’t do anything with these reports”.

Defeated John relayed the required liar’s information to the insistent profiteer and finally gave up.

This is not a tale about monetary losses, which can be easily replenished and forgotten.

This should be a testimony exposing those who renege on their mandate to serve and/or protect others, but in reality only serve and protect them selves. This should be a warning that you will be taken advantage of by the ubiquitous profiteers and liars every single step of the way. It is none of these.

Instead, this is an account of one poor sap’s last attempt at giving a shit.

Have a hoot, don’t waste your time

Fountains of Youth

Where the heck are all the water fountains? Time was you’d conveniently find a fountain to quench your thirst in most parks and the like. With every passing year there are fewer and fewer. Soon there will be none.

A paranoid would think the city is in cahoots with the bottled drink industry. I bet it’s just us getting less and less the more taxes we pay.

Fountains have been quaint part of our city landscape for generations. Fountains are very useful for the citizen on the go. Fountains help reduce litter. Fountains are relatively cheap ($1,000 to $3,500). Most importantly, fountains are great.

Bring back the fountains of my youth.

Have a hoot, but I thought we was supposed to be advancing

Randy Newman Sucks

It needs to be said from time to time. Randy Newman, of recent Disney movie infamy, sucks the shit out of a wet rat’s ass.

Boomers will tell you he’s is one of the greatest songwriters of their time. Right up there with Bobby Dylan they say. Faint praise I say. If he has written a good song, its only because he is a chronic songwriter.

Have a hoot, hit the mute

The Right Bag

This one’s for the ladies on the go.

When setting out on your jaunts, try putting all your things in a single and appropriate travel bag. Avoid lugging a purse, shoe bag, tote bag, lunch bag, gift bag and the-stuff-I-baked-last-night-for-the-gang-at-work-bag. Ok, granted the purse is a prerequisite for some, so two bags. Ok, we all want the goodies you baked last night too. Other than that, ya’ll look like a bunch of clumsy oafs bumbling in and out of the metro cars with your excessive baggage. It’s hard to be graceful while jostling bundles of gear.

Based on all the attention spent on femme-frocks and femme-frock accessories, as well as their “its so cuuuuute” cooing over every new fekin’ handbag, I assume ladies don’t try to appear like clods. So why then diminish the aesthetic goals, by haulin’ shoes and what not in an old plastic Reitman’s bag draped over a $200.00 Gucci purse?

By simply picking the appropriate bag, one can travel to work with style and sack that awkward juggling act. Many gals look mighty smart sauntering down the lane with their trendy backpack or bedazzled tote bag.

And another albeit similar thing, when did parents begin carrying their kid’s crap (more often than not a Sponge Bob backpack)? What guilt-ridden reason is behind that backward nonsense? The little sherpas should be carrying the parents’ stuff, if anything.

Have a hoot, enjoy your commute

Cancer Inc.

In Canada 1 in 2.3 men and 1 in 2.6 women will have cancer in their lifetime. About 14 million kilograms of carcinogens are released into our environment every year. Over the next 30 years, almost 6 million will be diagnosed with cancer, about 3 million will die from cancer and the direct healthcare costs will be more than $176 billion. Over $248 billion in tax revenues will be lost because of disability due to cancer. And no one is doing much to reverse this fatal trend.

Rather, we throw our tax dollars at cancer treatments. Hardly any effort is going towards cancer prevention or to stopping the use of the - actual, suspected and likely - cancer causing substances intentionally and haphazardly put into our environment, food and medicine by profit driven industries.

Seems like a sinister plot to bleed us dry. We buy up their poison produce then have to pay them again to have the poisons removed from our toxin-laden rotting bodies. That’s paying Peter and Paul (not real names). Since McDonalds is already feeding your kids hormone tainted, U.N. banned livestock burgers, they need only open McCancer Wards to rake in all the cash.

We’re not allowed to give noisy neighbours arsenic laced biscuits, have bonfires in the backyard or, for that matter, paint a flag on a garage, without the law coming down on you. Ah, but if incorporated, then your free to spew plums of pollutants into the air and make carcinogens laced cookies, while plastering your logo all over the place. All this, even though its killing/maiming nearly half of us and likely will be much worse on the next generation.

Don’t listen to me; listen to our man Wendy Mesley setting us straight in CBC Marketplace’s Chasing the Cancer Answer (http://www.cbc.ca/consumers/market/files/health/cancer/).

Have a hoot, we’re doomed

Worldwide Slavery Inc.

It seems a bit unfair that corporations are relatively free to traipse the earth and set up where the lowest wages are, while most people are trapped in their country unable to go where the best wages may be.

Its as if the governments are the eager slave keepers serving the corporate slave masters, who have realized it is easier go to where the captives are rather than catching and shipping em’ off against their will to where they are needed.

We should have fostered a world that serves the well being of all mankind, not one where most of us are just beholden servants in waiting.

Have a hoot, we’re in the same slave boat

God Complexes

The Quebec Human Rights Commission got it wrong when it ruled that a Montreal college must try to find prayer space for Muslim students, who had complained they were forced to pray in stairwells.

Religious freedom is enshrined in our constitution, not free religion. We’re all free to preach, worship and pray. If religoids need facilities to do this, they are free to find them like everybody else, which usually entails forking over some rent/mortgage money. As we are still in a capitalist society (much to my chagrin), we all have to pay as we go to attend to our individual needs.

From my point of view, there’s no difference praying to Ganesha, the Hindu Elephant-God, Jambi the Genie from Pee-Wee's Playhouse or, for that matter, to the almighty Caffeine Gods. What ever floats the boat. So if they’re providing prayer rooms in institutions run in large part on my hardly earned money, it better have a big ass television - good cable package included - and some kick ass coffee, cause I’m coming over for some spiritual enlightenment too.

Have a hoot, Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho

FR BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES: Looking for investors for a great new venture with great potential. The new & improved B&M Stainless Steel Coin Operated Self-cleaning Daytime Rent-a-Prayer-Booth and Evening Rent-a-Smoking-Stall Multiplex will be in popular demand 24/7 and, with the Auto-Pay-Concierge; it doesn’t even require a single employee. The devout and tobacco enthusiasts alike will flock to it. For the discrete prayers on the go, we also have the brand new B&M Pop-Up Prayer Tent with optional Mecca Pointer. It’s folds into a handy pouch and is made from space age lightweight fabric from space. These miracle workers also double as wank rooms.

doG Complex

In the developed nations (for lack of an appropriate term), we tend to profess a deep love for our pet dogs. But dogs are not suited to our man-made urban/suburban environment we subject them to. Thus we tether, muzzle, spay, neuter, confine and segregate canines to suit our needs. We use choke chains and shock treatment to inhibit natural behaviour and enforce obedience. We’ve even resorted to clipping their ears and lopping of their tails to please our own aesthetic desires. Recently, we’ve taken to picking up their shit, which is humiliating for the human surely, but a disservice to the dogs whose nature it is to leave their calling card.

Our warped version of love, for these would-be majestic creatures made playthings, causes us to selfishly deny them their sex urges by sterilization or in the case of purebreds by choosing their mates. Our disturbingly God-like (or is it Nazi-ish) practice of selective breeding to create these Franken-puppies for our amusement is down right shameful, even irresponsible when you consider all the diseases and ailments typically suffered by pedigrees.

Many of these man-made canines would qualify as freaks of nature, if not for our hand in the mess. Many have been bred such that they’d be unable to survive on their own. Oh joy.

Human rights groups would rightfully be up in arms, were we subject to any of these inhumanities. So, how can we claim to love our pets and at the same time be the perpetrator of these atrocities? If you truly loved your dog, you’d want it to live a dog’s life as intended. Ditto for other pet owners too!

Have a hoot, but DON'T CALL IT LOVE

Celebrity Boobs (or Knight Clubbing)

A few weeks back, Paul and Heather Mills McCartney came to P.E.I. (although they thought they were in Newfoundland and Labrador) on behalf of the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) to rag on us about the cruel and needless slaughter of harp seal pups. Fair enough. Free speech and all that, but what a couple a wankers they turn out to be.

Later that night, these 2 twits got on the Larry King Spectacular News Extravaganza Hour spewing heaps of nonsense (see transcript at http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0603/03/lkl.01.html) making utter fools of themselves and doing a disservice to their cause. When our man Danny Williams reminded them of the billions of not-so-photogenic animals we perpetually bludgeon, slash, scald and electrocute, the best they could lob back was that people eat meat, people eat fish, people don't eat the seals. So, I guess animal cruelty is ok if we can make some burgers. Paul put in his 2 cents suggesting that our government (i.e.: us taxpayers) should prohibit the hunt and provide financial restitution to the would-be ex-sealers, which is a bit rich coming from a guy worth £1.1 billion. Another gem was their tear-jerking plea for the baby seals that “haven't even had a swim yet”.

How many birds cruelly and needlessly get sucked in the jet engines during their worldwide jaunts to save cute animals? Why not stay home and protest in front of their favourite veal peddling Italian/French bistro? I suggest twaddle-dee and twaddle-dumb sell their rights to some of those namby-pamby Wings tunes and give restitution to the ex-sealers themselves.

My beef isn’t so much with the objectives of the HSUS; it’s with ill informed idiot idols they use just to get on the front pages. Neither of these camera junkies had a fekin clue what they were talking about.

Have a hoot, club a celebrity spokesperson

Rage within a rage: Hey HSUS, how many Iraqis equal one seal pup?

Wasters

There is no good excuse for putting the pristine recyclables in the waste bin when the green “blue box” is sitting right there beside it. Not those peanut butter jars and the like I’m too lazy to clean out, but unsoiled paper, plastic, glass and metal sent needlessly on a one way trip into our landfills.

I see way too much of it all the time, so there’s gotta be a lotta selfish/dunce wasters out there who can’t even make this miniscule effort.

Have a hoot, try a little

Sourpuss

It seems that vanity trumps commonsense when it comes to eyewear. In effort to preserve an illusion of youth, self-conscious fools (except for those creepy contact wearers and poor laser surgery guinea pigs) often won’t wear eyeglasses. But they’re efforts are nullified when reduced to squinting to see clearer. Scrunching up your face to manipulate the shape of your eyeballs, yeah that’s pretty.

Just as a simple smile can make even the plainest of mugs a beautiful sight, squinting can transform a beautiful face into a lemon-sucking sourpuss.

Have a hoot, four-eyes

Exercise logic

During the hurried commute rage reared its reliable ugly head when witnessing/suffering idiots who:

- run 2 blocks to catch a bus to take them 4 blocks to the Metro;

- wait 8 minutes for a bus ride that would take 5 minutes to walk;

- walk side by each on the sidewalk or stand abreast on escalators and don't make way for passers by; or

- use Stairmasters and escalators/elevators.

Have hoot, rage abounds

Acromony

Acronyms are only useful if they are understood. In writing, they can be used to avoid repetition of lengthy oxymoronic titles (CSIS = Canadian Security Intelligence Service). In some instances they are so infamous (GST) they needn't be explained.

Now, thanks primarily to emails, text messaging and those infantile chat rooms, acronyms are being misused (lol) and abused (lol) at unprecedented rates. The culprits: lazy slobs who couldn't be bothered to type all those extra letters, dim wits unable to spell their asses from their elbows and, worst of all, trendoids trying desperately to be with it.

If you must use acronyms, make sure the recipient is smart or hip enough to decipher them.

Have a hoot, spell it out

Paving the way

When the neanderthals were beginning to disappear, homo sapiens’ ability to adapt and learn enabled them to persevere. In our species more recent history we’ve given up on this ability in exchange for adapting our surroundings by paving over the environment.

If that weren’t bad enough, nowadays, we sophisticated monkeys bitch and scream when there’s still snow on the roads and sidewalks a few hours after a snowfall. We slip on our spiffy impractical fashion footwear and then whine we’re unable to traverse the messy slop and slippy ice. So rather than apply simple logic, and wear the appropriate footwear, we selfishly expect spotless thoroughfares instantly, continuously at whatever the cost.

We live in a winter wonderland people, adapt.

Have a hoot, wear big boots

Lyin' Brian Mulroney

This scum bucket, Lyin’ Brian Mulroney, owes us an apology and our $2.1 million back (plus interest) and then maybe, just maybe, we won’t sue his sorry ass for perjury.

Have a hoot, piss on the big galoot

EN: Muldoon is the man-behind-the-curtain of our newly elected government. Suckers.

Working 5 to 10

So another dumb fuck and 3 other dickheads, thinking it would be quick easy money, held up a gas station in Montreal and in the process dumb fuck killed the station’s attendant. The assailant was found a couple of days later hiding in Edmonton.

If only such lazy-ass brainless idiots thought their actions through, they would realize that petty crime doesn’t pay enough to warrant all the effort involved - the very effort they were trying to avoid. A shitty dead-end job would pay more than dumb fuck’s share of the chump change they stole (which probably was spent on his get-away). His cut was also likely less than the value of his X-Box, crack pipe and other worldly possession he left behind. Flipping burgers – not that there’s anything wrong with that - has got to be an easier slog than robbing, killing and getting your ass out west only to completely ruin your poor excuse for a life. Hell, even living in the wild off nuts and berries would be a cakewalk compared to getting it up the poop shoot – not that there’s anything wrong with that – during incarceration.

Don’t do the crime unless its worth the time – and effort. Just angry, fucked-up and want to lash out, start a fight club, write a harsh letter or some other more appropriate action. For dumb fuck good for nothing losers, there has got to be far easier ways than robbing, killing and the rest.

Have a hoot, steal lotsa loot

Haven’t a Queue

It’s been said that Canadians are civil liner-uppers. Once true maybe, but the young whippersnappers nowadays seam to have missed that all-important lesson in common decency. It’s not uncommon see these squeakers and slackers bud in line at the bus stop. It wouldn’t be so bad if their mis-queues could be chalked up to youthful rebellion, but that’s not the case. By the stunned expressions on their orthodontisized faces, they’re completely oblivious…of their faux pas.

Queuing up is a necessary limit to our freedom that keeps us from bashing each other in the head. Respect for the queue has to be learned and it certainly isn’t being taught. When the little snots come of age without this crucial little bit of knowledge, somebody is eventually gunna give em’ a refresher course.

Have a hoot, teach a yout

Apathy Rules

Whiny, disgruntled and apathetic Canadians too weary to vote make up the largest voting block in this potentially great nation. If they all voted, we’d finally be rid of the 2¼ ruling parties that discouraged them in the first place.

Last time, 39% of eligible voters didn’t bother voting. Thus, the corrupt Liberals that got to mis-run this country received a mere 23% of the potential vote. No joke! The deceitful Conservatives only got 17%, the dipsy NDP 9% and 7% pour le Bloc-têtes. And be sure, a good chunk of those voters weren’t too enthusiastic about their choice either.

It wouldn’t take much to till the soil of our tired old political landscape of greed, corruption and cronyism. This Monday, we would certainly shake the foundation if everyone simply voted. There’s a myriad of other parties advocating dope, Christianity, socialism, libertarianism, capitalism, communism (at least 2), environmentalism and/or tribalism. Or we can sit back and get the same old, same old.

Have a hoot, vote your ass off

Star Gazing

Once again The Stones came to town and all the losers – adults one and all - came out to gather in front of their hotel hoping to get a glimpse of their favourite heroin addicts darting inside from their limo or peering out the window. All the while, in the area you can easily find a dozen other characters with substance abuse problems hanging about getting the short shift.

Why stargazers get a thrill seeing the rich et famous doing anything other than their claim to fame is beyond me. The Rolling Codgers may still be rocking and a rolling better than the most of us and possibly worth the concert ticket price. But Mick et al put on their leotards the same as any other deviant, hardly worth gawking at.

Have a hoot, get a life

Diggin' Fer Dirt

To the poor miners that met their end in the West Virginia coal mine, I hope it was worth it. That was some very dangerous work you got yourself into.

To the distraught families of the fallen coal miners, threatening to sue the mine owners for the incorrectly announcing miner’s survival, please drop it. Sometimes unfortunate mistakes happen.

To the heartless media continuously provoking the families until they’re threatening to sue, stop it. Don’t create stories. Go find them.

To the calculating owners in the mining industry, determining if these 12 deaths were within acceptable levels, its time for an alternative fuel source, effective safety measures and/or ginormous hike in miner’s salaries.

Have a hoot

Children are fat because. . .

Children are fat because they’re pushed in strollers when they are perfectly able to walk. Just because a hurried lifestyle or whiney brat makes it more convenient to strap ‘em in and wheel ‘em along - like wee Hannibal Lecters - is no excuse. Don’t want the real burden (to some a joy) of raising kids but still like to care for cute little things, get a gerble. If you love children, make ‘em walk their fat little arses off.

Have a hoot, give ‘em a boot

Have it your way

There is a lot one could complain about regarding Christmas, and I do, but the recent surge of complaints that the holiday is or is not being called Christmas is just plain silly. Some (atheist, non-Christians, politicians and assorted profiteers) drop the Christ references to make for a more inclusive celebration, while others (the Christian right) strive to keep the Christ in Christmas for Christ sake.

Christmas has evolved into a big tent holiday celebrated by people from all walks of life, reflecting the array of cultures that now make up our supposed Christian societies. With the ubiquitous Christmas festivities forced upon Christians and non-Christians alike, folks gotta be able to deal with it as they see fit. Need a Christy Christmas then make it so. Want a Christ-free Christmas it can be yours too. However, if you’re like me and want to avoid the whole sordid mess, you’ll need to dig a hole and crawl in it – even TV fails me during the holidays with the tsunami of holiday specials and other joyful crapola.

If you insist the holidays be all-Christ-all-the-time, then keep it to yourself and leave all us heathens the hell out of it. If you find Christianity so God damned offensive, you best find yourself a little homeland made just for you and your like-minded intolerant s.o.b.

Why people are compelled to impose their beliefs upon others is beyond me. This age old human trait is at the root of most of the world’s man-made problems.

For the record I am a full-fledged Seinfeldologist.

Happy Festivus, for the rest of us

War Paint

Not a big fan of make-up. Sure part of the reason is the whale fat and toxic materials used in making this crud, but mostly its that it don’t make the ladies more beautiful. Nothing better than a natural gal. Nothing pretty about caked on crap. Its a form of trickery and deceit to give false impressions – who’s zoomin’ who here is up for grabs between the hunter, the hunted and the cosmetic industry.

Take the great-unwashed femmers on Survivor. They can be strong, vivacious, hot tomalleys. But once Jeff Probst gets them back in the studio, they make for a scary bunch of painted up ladies – the hairdos don’t help much neither. On the flip side, we can become so accustom to these clown faced babes that when caught without their disguise (e.g.: the morning after), it can be a very unsettling sight. So, war paint often becomes a crutch enslaving the poor women who “wouldn’t be caught dead” without their faces on.

In artful hands a wee bit of make-up can be unnoticeable, but then quite pointless. When in smooching range (if memory serves), this gunk can be stinky, slippy and down right un-skin like. Yuck.

Have a hoot, easy on the goop

Pooper Scooper

I’m fed up with the news media’s constant efforts to pester and cajole politicians into making outrageous statements and then drag them over the coals for it. Does it really matter that Steven “Herman the Munster” Harper can’t say I love you? It may take little skill and a lotta hard work on reporter’s part, but we could all be better informed and maybe attract a better bunch of candidates to the podium, if they’d stop relying on gotcha journalism.

And, if that weren’t enough, when they’re not doing that, the news media seems to rely on news that is spoon-fed to them. Be it a thinly disguised product promotion or a staged political news conference - that trash is for chumps. Who gives a crap how good they say it is or how great they are? What we do need to know is whether or not they measure up. We need the thorough investigative, interest driven, reporting that suppose to be keeping the whole cruddy system in check. Instead, they give us lots of advertising, and we end up with bad actors for leaders and a bunch of wonky shite.

Have a hoot, get the scoop

Cops and wonkers

Where’s the cops when you need one? This week they’re all in Old Montreal for the U.N. convention on climate change at the Palais de Congrès. Hundreds of gussied up officers milling all about, putting on a pretty show for the visiting well connected. Meanwhile, in the same area on any given weekday, I can’t stroll 3 blocks without seeing some sort of infraction going unimpeded, be it the common life threatening traffic violation or a simple misdemeanour.

Whenever in need of law enforcement, they have proven to be a disappointment. Not once, in my experiences, have the lazy-assed fuzz acted upon the crimes reported, even when they have also witnessed it transpire. Typically, these uniformed thugs responded with accusations or threats of violence. To be fair though, some pigs just ignored the pleas for help. Thankfully, these discouraging events happened long ago; well before I caught on and stopped relying on the good for nothin’ coppers.

Once this anti-climatic convention (vacation) blows through our dear cité and all the government wonks go home, the hoards of work-shy boys/girls in bleu will fade back to their favourite hiding places. So it is clear the police have the numbers to serve and protect their fellow citizens; but it’s clearer that they’d prefer to leave us regular Jeans and Jeannines to fend for ourselves.

Have a hoot, you’re on your own

Backpacks

The backpack is a dangerous thing in the wrong hands. Inconsiderate idiots must forget they have these bulky appendages strapped to their backs when jostling for position in our overcrowded buses and metro cars. They’ll swing it around completely oblivious to their shoving fellow riders about and sometimes even whacking the seated passengers in the head.

It’s basic common courtesy; when boarding crowded public transportation, take the gall darn bag off your back. Even the STM (Sardine transport de Montréal) is aware of this nonsense - since they created the problem to begin with, with too few buses/metros – as shown by their sparsely posted ineffectual dos/don’ts posters on the matter. Sadly, the only thing that does work against these backpack-laden boors is to shove them right back.

And another thing, why the hell are kids lugging their weight in books and stuff in these backpacks. It seems down right cruel for the little children to be subjected to this hard labour and it’s hard to imagine them reading, eating or needing that much of anything in a given day. As for any physical benefits derived from the lifting and the hauling, the poor tots are future chiropractic patients along with their high-healed mothers and beer-bellied fathers.

Have a hoot, travel light

Computers

I, like most people, got a computer to enjoy access to cyber space, pirate music and view free porn. I bought my trusty Dell with the impression I wouldn’t have to become a computer programmer. These machines are far too complex for the vast majority of users (especially disinterested ones) to ever know how they do what they do. And we are led to believe users aren’t expected to. PCs are marketed and – said-to-be – designed with the average yob in mind.

Then what’s the point prompting the typical techno-rube user with cryptic error codes and a bunch of computer jargon only the geek-set and keeners can understand? The computer already knew what I wanted it to do, before it froze up. I pressed the frikin’ send button a dozen stinking times! The error message should say this program is not working, press OK to fix it. Or better yet, just fix the blasted thing and leave me the hell out of it. Why expect me to be any help? I just pressed the same frikin’ button a dozen stinking times.

I doubt there’s another commodity so inherently problematic as computers that requires so much of the user’s intervention and intricate knowledge of its inner workings just to operate it. It is as if home computers were rushed to market before they got the bugs out, sticking the consumer with an unfinished product and the resulting headaches. Yet we keep on purchasing these half bake goods.

Have a hoot, free porn

Gift Certificates

Gift certificates are not only a cold and thoughtless gift; they’re also one of the biggest shames being perpetrated by retailers today.

The sales pitch is, give them something they’re sure to like... gift certificates. The reality is gift certificates are an interest free loan you give to the retailer. Furthermore, you have to call in this loan within 12 months or they keep it. To cash it in, you have to purchase their marked-up goods having a sticker price equal to gift certificate or the retailer pockets the difference. The certificate holder’s gift choice usually comes just shy of the certificate value, so they’re enticed to fork out their own coin (the retailer’s other angle) on a crappy pair of socks they didn’t want or need just to use up the balance of the bloody certificate. This is standard policy at most stores. Even once at the AMC Theatre they tried to refuse my $10 certificate on a then $8 matinee, explaining they don’t give change. Their ploy didn’t work that time. I persuaded that little shite behind the Plexiglas to hand over the ticket and my $2 in change or else.

I’ve also had certificates refused for such ridiculous reasons as not being honoured at all locations, gone out of business and not applicable to movie premiers or products on sale. But after having advanced cash to these shysters in exchange for a promissory note, they treat you like a fekin’ beggar, all the while welcoming the wiser pay-as-you-go crowd.

Gift certificates offer nothing - but headaches - for consumers and everything for the retailer. They should be called grifter certificates. It’s a sucker’s bet made for gullible gift givers too lazy or uncaring to put any thought and effort into their gifting.

If you care so little but still are compelled to give, smarten up and give cash. It's still accepted, at par and without conditions, in most places.

Have a hoot, it’s your loot

TV

This year’s television season sucks the big one.

It’s like good writers have been banned from the business. Even though the flood of quality reality shows has subsided somewhat, they throw us pathetic mindless twaddle, pitiful dialogue in uberstylized settings, lame sit-bombs propped up by the latest sell-out comic and the prerequisite t and a with not-so-subtle product placements throughout the lot.

The latest primetime gimmick, perfected in the daytime soaps, is to stretch 1 hour’s worth of storyline throughout an entire season where each week, something is about to happen but never does. See Lost (I don’t, I can’t) and now it’s invaded my much-loved space alien and sea monster genres in the painful slow Threshold, Invasion and Surface.

Where’s 24 and what is the maximum amount of Laws and Orderseses one can watch, anyway?

In years past, I’d know what I’d be doing during primetime a few nights a week. Now, I usually end up watching my filler shows, like the whimsical Mythbusters and the shamefully hilarious MXC.

After my hours of drudgery, I want honest to goodness escapism. Dave Chappelle and Jon Stewart are on too late. Rick Mercer and all the other east coasters dominating the CBC might be OK for a larf. I still got my favourite science shows, nature programs and documentaries. None of these comedic ranters and mind expanders counts as escapism though. I want… no, I need GOOD mindless twaddle.

Have a hoot, watch some tube

Muffins

Muffins is desert. Muffins ain’t breakfast.

Scones aren’t spos’ta be sweet. Me eyetooth for a fekin’ decent scone.

Have a hoot, get up off your sugar laden fat arses

Go BLEEP Yourself

It is really annoying to be startled by the BLEEP those electronic car-lock gizmos make. You’re strolling along minding your own business (looking at the peaches) when, all of a sudden, a BLEEP blares out from a nearby parked car. Your heart jumps, as if someone snuck up on you and yelped in your ear. Except when the BLEEP sounds, you look around to often see some goof ball, metres away, de-coiling after having performed a 007-ish spin around to deftly aim a door-lock zapper at their ride. If not the spin, it’s the slick over-the-shoulder shot.
The BLEEP wouldn’t be nearly as jarring if drivers triggered the lock while still by the vehicles; instincts prepare one for sudden noises when near a likely source, not so much when near inanimate objects. Must these inconsiderate clowns always lock their car doors from a distance? Could it be they’re annoyed by the BLEEP too? Or worse, is it a meek and cowardice prank played on unsuspecting pedestrians? Given the prevalence of the aforementioned spy-who-loved-me moves, it’s probably just a sad attempt at coolness.

There are better options available, like blinking lights or, the tried and true, locking doors manually. There’s no need for these irritating noise-polluting devices. There’s no reason drivers have to trigger the key-fobs from afar, except to show-off their little plaything. We already tolerate their cruising around town behind the wheel of their shiny new penises (Do women drive penises?), how about they keep the rest of their noisy toys for home.

Have a hoot, stifle the toot.

Need Not Apply

The sign said: NO GIRLS ALLOWED. Nothing wrong with that if you were at the He-man Women Haters Club - and 5 years old. It is no surprise that Freedom Acres (a swingers club for married/committed couples) prohibit single men, under any circumstances. But there is always someone bound to cry exclusion and want access to every association there be. Private clubs are inherently exclusive and, except when excluding particular races, must remain so. Otherwise, groups would be opened to every passing louse about, diminishing the sought after sense of belonging. You can hang around the train station for this kind of experience.

It would be impossible for Spanky and Alfalfa, of the aforementioned HWHC, to have admitted their sweetheart Carla and still be the HWHC. The same goes for the many other bastions of segregation. Those homophobic religions would be hypocritical if they were to embrace their gay followers. Nude beaches would be that much more creepy if the clad were permitted to mingle.

While Groucho Marx was right to be suspicious of a club that would have him, it’s absurd to want to be a member of a club that won’t have you. If you’re so in need of a posse, start one anew; just like Henry VIII, the original Protestant, did when he needed a divorce-loving, beheading-forgiving, quasi-Christian religion.

If the whiners and wannabes manage to remove all barriers, anyone could join any lot of their choosing. Just think, no membership restrictions for Mensa, the Mile High Club, The Fantastic Four or even The St. Andrew's Society, you name it.

Have a hoot, keep em’ out

The 3Rs

We’re veered off the pristine 3 Rs highway and speeding to hell in a disposable handcart with that new cart smell. That poor crying injun with the garbage scattered at his feet - from those TV commercial way back in the 70’s when our governments began promoting reducing, reusing, recycling – must be drowning in his tears by now.

Now consumers are suckered into purchasing any mod con that promises an easier task or more free time. The marketing geniuses (an oxymoron) having run out of good ideas are now simply merging of perfectly good household products into a single package. This is exemplified by the recent flood of one-time use impregnated pads for anything from exfoliating skin to back pain.

Another pitiful example of these faux conveniences is the Swiffer Wet Jet. You fork out $15-$20 for a soon to break flimsy mop handle for which you also have purchase the $5 box absorbent pads and the $4 fitted bottle of soap and water, only to be thrown into landfills along with the packaging. So, in effort to save the time and effort of filling a $5 bucket with tap water, poring a $0.05 dollop of your favourite cleanser and wringing your $8 mop, mod-conners shell out more money for their space age floor cleaning kit. However, any time saved is used up earning the cash to pay for the mod-con, the gas used hauling yourself to and from the store for replacement mop heads and cleanser refills and the taxes used for garbage pick-up and land filling. The only effort saved seems to be the filling of a bucket of water and periodically wringing of the mop, which will likely involve some lifting and bending (an affront to the ever bulging citizens of the more advanced nations).

What is wrong with us, are we so lazy or that gullible. These mod cons are in fact modern con-job perpetrated marketers (once referred to a snake oil salesmen). They are shallow profiteers simply reconfiguring what you already have in spiffy new excessive packaging.

It is clear; our government and industries have tossed the 3 Rs into the waste bin. It is up to us to mop up this mess.

Have a hoot, don’t be fooled.

Crime Inc.

What Paul Coffin et al did was a crime. The crimes committed by these bastards were a matter of doing business. They were GST registered, had employees (the gang) and invoiced us for the money they stole. Shouldn’t have the charges, also included organized crime? They paid for mansions and bought RRSPs with the money they stole. Should not their ill-gotten booty be recouped as proceeds of crime? They use their privileged positions to bilk us of our money, and once caught (like so many naughty priests) allowed to remain. Should they not be treated like so many day-care workers, who get caught abusing their position, and banned for life?

Have a hoot, earn the loot

Following, are possible criminal charges that could apply to persons found to have been participating in the sponsorship scandal.
What the Criminal Code says:

Section 426 of the Criminal Code makes it punishable by five years in prison to offer “secret commissions.” This means corruptly arranging or accepting secret payoffs that damage an innocent third party, such as the government.

Section 380--“fraud”--imposes up to ten years on a person for dishonestly billing or paying for work that is not done.

Section 336 covers “criminal breach of trust,” and is good for up to 14 years. Judge Gomery has heard abundant evidence that public funds went directly from the sponsorship program to Quebec ad agencies and back to the Liberal Party, a private association.

Section 122 makes it a “breach of trust by a public officer,” punishable by five years’ imprisonment, for someone like a politician or bureaucrat to fraudulently misuse his powers of office. This can be charged in addition to regular fraud.

Section 467.1 makes it a crime to facilitate or direct a “criminal organization.” This is defined as any “three or more persons who have as one of their main purposes or activities the commission of one or more serious offences that if committed would likely result in the direct or indirect receipt of a material benefit by the group or any of them.”
In this case, the “criminal organization” could be defined as individuals within the Liberal Party and/or the Government of Canada working together for criminal purposes. Under 467.1, they don’t need an organizational name, membership card, master plan, or even to know each other.
Under Section 467.11, it is a crime punishable by up to five years’ imprisonment to intentionally enhance the ability of a criminal organization to commit indictable (serious) offences. The law states explicitly that the prosecutor need not prove that the accused knew the specific crime his participation was enhancing, or the identity of the persons committing it.

Smiley Faces

Smiley faces. Chat rooms are chalked full of them. J
You see them in emails too. :)
They have friends too! Frowny faces. :(
Indifferent faces. :
Goitre on the side of your head faces. &
You name it, there’s a face for it.

We can’t even express joy anymore. I thought societies were supposed to be advancing. We have superb thumb dexterity thanks to video games. We handle a multitude of toxic hair care products and grout cleaners without consequence.

In the interest of preserving, or dare I dream, fostering linguistic abilities, we must return to the use of words when writing. Words, when used, correctly, artfully, are far more effective than those never subtle faces. A well-strung string of words can advance/answer ones inter-marital cause better than a string of pearls.

Modern societies go to great lengths (read: puppy mill like child storage facilities) and expenses (read: your money) schooling us in reading and writing. It seems a misguided waste if we turn around and degrade the language to hell. What’s the harm in a little happy face, you say, it’s so cute. Advertisers are sure to replace a Z where an S should be. Rap stars will frazizzle yo mind if over exposed. We need some safe venue in which to exercise written expression without the temptation of the grinning crack-cocaine of the illiterate. It is left to us to raise the drawbridge of linguistic fortitude and ensure all our efforts were not for naught.

Those who will point to the alphabetic atrocities found in any of these rage pages will have found an example of the creeping blight at issue here. Help is on the way…if we do away with those smiley faces and all their facey friends.

Grin and write it.

I Choose

We've all received those annoying unsolicited emails containing life affirming messages and sure-fire methods for achieving serenity. "You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad." "Serenity Now!" These creeds are to reality what Arthur Anderson was to accounting. You can make any equation provide the desired result, if you ignore/remove the parts that give contrary results. Easy solutions to complex problems can always be realized through the magic of tunnel vision. It is the oldest trick in the book. Scientist's/lawyer's omissions, government's porkbarreling, accountant's book-rigging, religion's hand-of-God to name a few favs.

Hey kids! Try this at home. Take a paper-towel tube and look through it. If you choose, you can see nothing but blue sky - or just the crack of your ass.

You can choose to be happy with your comfy little lives, provided you can ignore that juxtaposed mass destruction, slaughter, pillaging and general havoc under way around the globe in the name of preserving your precious lifestyles. Or you can act responsibly and fairly in the real world so that we all might have some happy moments that are not to the detriment of others.

Have a hoot, or give a hoot

Idle Minds

Hey all you inconsiderate slobs parked curb side in idling automobiles with the air-conditioning on and engines blasting hot air on passers-by, turn the darn engines off. Your precious cool environment should last the couple of minutes you will be parked. If not, suffer.

If that weren't enough, read the following words of wisdom.

Vehicle idling for more than 10 seconds, except in traffic, wastes money andcauses damage to the environment. We've all experienced the harmful effectsof idling, whether we're walking past a row of trucks or buses on a busycity street, holding our breath trying to avoid inhaling the toxic exhaustfumes, or right in our own neighbourhood, where remote car starters turn onvehicles while the owners are still at the breakfast table. Unnecessaryidling costs Canadians millions of dollars every year and it's a majorcontributor to climate change.
Canada is a nation of vehicle idlers-a habit that costs millions of dollarsa year in wasted fuel and produces unnecessary emissions of carbon dioxide(CO2), a greenhouse gas that is a major contributor to climate change. Worsestill, vehicle idling also contributes to other environmental problems suchas deteriorating air quality and smog, which directly affects the health ofchildren, seniors and people with respiratory problems. Additionally,contrary to popular belief, idling is not even good for your vehicle'sengine!Idling Wastes Fuel and Money Canadian motorists idle their vehicles an average of five to 10 minutes per day. A recent study suggests that in the peak of winter, Canadians voluntarily idle their vehicles for a combined total of more than 75 million minutes a day-equivalent to one vehicle idling for 144 years. We idle about 40 per cent less in summer, but it still amounts to an enormous waste offuel and money. If every driver of a light-duty vehicle in Canada avoidedidling for just five minutes, we would save more than 2.5 million litres offuel worth more than $1,7 million (assuming a fuel price of $0.69 perlitre). Imagine the savings with the current fuel prices of $0.94 per litre!Idling Contributes to Climate Change There is growing evidence that warmer global temperatures are triggering a wide range of changes in our climate. Scientists believe that global warming is being caused by the increasing concentrations of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. As more and more of these gases accumulate, they are trapping heat near the Earth's surface, which is causing temperatures to rise.
The transportation sector is the single largest source of greenhouse gasemissions in Canada. Although CO2 emissions from our vehicles areunavoidable (at least until zero-emission vehicles are on the market),emissions from idling vehicles are completely unnecessary and can be easilyprevented-with the turn of a key. In Canada, if we all reduced our idling byjust "five" minutes every day-we could prevent more than two tonnes of carbon dioxide from entering the atmosphere each year!!! That's the equivalent of taking 380,000 cars off the road for a year!

Idling Affects Air Quality and Our Health Emissions from motor vehicles can have a significant impact on air quality. In large urban areas, contaminants from vehicle exhaust are major contributors to deteriorating air quality and smog. Recent studies by Health Canada and community health departments and agencies have shown a direct link between contaminants in vehicle emissions and significant respiratory health effects. These studies have concluded that poor air quality and smog-caused in part by vehicle exhaust-are resulting in increased hospital admissions, respiratory illnesses and premature deaths. Health Canadaestimates that more than 5,000 Canadians die prematurely each year becauseof air pollution, and thousands more become unnecessarily ill. Children areparticularly vulnerable to air pollution because they breathe faster than adults and inhale more air per pound of body weight. Air pollution also causes unnecessary difficulty for elderly people and those with respiratory problems, such as asthma. Stopping unnecessary vehicle idling is one relatively easy way to contribute to improved air quality and respiratory health in our communities.Idling Is Not Good for Your Vehicle's Engine Contrary to popular belief, idling is not an effective way to warm up your vehicle, even in cold weather. The best way to do this is to drive the vehicle. In fact, with today's modern engines, in most driving conditions, you need no more than 30 seconds of idling on winter days before driving away. Actually, excessive idling can actually damage your engine, as an idling engine is not operating at its peak temperature, which means that fuel combustion is incomplete. This leaves fuel residues that can condenseon cylinder walls, where they can contaminate oil and damage enginecomponents. For example, fuel residues tend to deposit on spark plugs. Asthe amount of engine idling increases, the average plug temperature dropsand plug fouling is accelerated. This, in turn, can increase fuelconsumption by four to five per cent. Excessive idling can also allow waterto condense in the vehicle's exhaust, which can lead to corrosion and reducethe life of the exhaust system.
If you're concerned that continually shutting off and restarting the vehicleis hard on the engine, don't be. Frequent restarting has little impact onengine components such as the battery and starter motor. Component wearcaused by restarting the engine is estimated to add $10 per year to the costof driving, money that will likely be recovered several times over in fuelsavings from reduced idling. So, when should you turn off the engine?Believe it or not, if you idle your vehicle for more than 10 seconds, youuse more fuel than it would take to restart your engine. As a rule of thumb,if you are going to be stopped for 10 seconds or more, except in traffic,turn your engine off.
Why Do People Idle? For all the convenient excuses that people have for idling their vehicles, idling is still a waste of fuel and money, contributes to environmental pollutants and is completely avoidable. Do your part, save money, save fuel, minimize maintenance costs on your engine and reduce pollutants by turning your car off when parked... so we can all breathe a little easier.

Have a hoot, idling is for fools

Litterbugs

Dirty rotten lazy good for nothing polluters are selfish bastards. Not those greedy industrial polluter types that rape and pillage the life sustaining goodness of earth. Oh, they’re bastards too, but let’s save that mess for another day. Today, it’s about you, the littering pedestrian.

One cannot walk five steps in the city without spotting some kind of discarded trash. It is ugly and unnecessary. How hard is it, really, to hold on to your silly little wrapper until you pass a garbage receptacle. Most of you know of and would abide by the fundamental camping rule to carry out what you carried in. Once in the city, all these considerations are litter-ally thrown out the window. You all know better and do it just the same.

Your petty whines have all been heard before. The waste bins are always overflowing, the wrapper was all sticky, it's only a cigarette butt, whah, whah, whah. It won't kill you to stuff a wrapper in your pocket/handbag. Think about it, people. If you don't want it in your pocket/handbag, we certainly don't want it cluttering our gutters. You wouldn’t dream of littering during your little jaunts in the country, so it's utterly bewildering why you would in your own neighbourhood.

Simply put, disposing your garbage in waste bins and such is an easy way to help keep the city clean and pleasant. It may even go to making those deafening, exhaust spewing, gutter sweepers and sidewalk vacuums, our taxes pay for, a little less frequent.

Have a hoot AND not pollute

The Scottish Joke

The Scottish are tough, proud and humourous lot. However, due to someunimaginative, ignorant, quasi-racist marketing ploy, the Scottish brogue has been recently used and abused as their sole source of humour.

You know the annoying idiot in the Canadian beer ad (the one that makesme fumble for the mute button on the remote) and that flic with the big dull green ogre (wherein the humour consists making references to current events/things in medieval surrounding, but in a Scottish accent. Which, for those few Canadian readers who watch the CBC, is the exact same thing the dead guy use to do, ad nauseam, on the Royal Canadian Air Farce) the brain dead masses seem to adore. You could just imagine the advertising/Hollywood types, after reading the lacklustre scripts before them, saying would it be awesome if it were done in a funny accent. The geniuses probably made a list of the "funnier races" and then excluding the French for a multitude of reasons.

Even Canada's own Mike Myers (who proved, in So I Married an Axe Murderer, you can be both brilliantly funny and use the brogue) had said the aforementioned ogre wasn't funny until he dropped the Canadian accent for the Scottish one. Remember, Peter Sellers in The Party, it wasn't only funny because he spoke with a "funny" accent.

We, as a society, have for the most part rid ourselves of getting our chuckles from dancing Sambos and the like. We all love to laugh and there is abundant cause to do so, but we needn't scour the list of yet to be ridiculed races for our next target of mockery.

This is not about being politically correct. It is not about racism. Case in point: the joke about the native American daughter complaining to her father about him crushing her smokes whilst they are having carnal relations is - albeit tasteless, racist and vulgar - down right funny and that much funnier when told using the appropriate accent. Racism is serious business and should be left to the racist.

This is about promoting good humour and discouraging non-humour passing as humour. If we continuously sop up their swill they will never feed us the good stuff. It is also in human natures drive for one-upmanship that good humour will beget more good humour. So laugh, laugh vigorously, laugh often but laugh wisely and with conscience. If we all work together, they may one day produce some truly funny sitcoms again.

Have a hoot, have some hooch